Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Dispairing Prayer of an Idealist

I cannot express the deep sadness I feel right now.  I have awoken from a fitful sleep freting over an investment that frustrates me.

It chills my soul to near the point of death.  It makes me not enjoy the very breath of life.  I am at a total loss.
I got into a private placement for a small company and have been attempting to "cash in" on that investment.  The method of converting my interest to cash requires exchanging my interest for shares of stock in the company at a large discount.  The problem is, the stock is so cheap right now that my exchange now makes me a larger than 10% owner of the company and creates "restrictions" on my stock.  It is stock I cannot sell except under SEC guidelines.
This is where Bill Gates is and was when he owned tons of MSFT stock and was utterly unable to sell it before its value crashed in 2001.
But looking at this from a principled point of view, as I try to look at everything that way, revealed to me more fundamental problems that explains my inner distress and anxiety.
You see I freely entered into a contract with that company I invested in.  And our contract is supposed to fully describe the circumstances of our agreement.  But there is a hidden third party in every contract now.  That interest is so complex that few can understand it and no set of persons can fully agree on its meaning - so we hire lawyers.  Let's call him the USG.  He has userped the power to amend all contracts at whim, despite the fact that this is explicitly not allowed in the Constitution.  He can take my interest and lock it up and prevent me from returning its state back to cash.  And even cash itself is another contract - a debt instrument - which itself has the same hidden third party, Mr. USG, that can create and destroy those instruments at will - thus manipulating their true value.
The whole thing starts to look like a morbid game.
God created me with physicality.  I have senses, muscles and a brain.  I am made to organize and dominate this planet.  Yet that wicked third party, Mr. USG has successfully separated me from my world.  I am unable to breath, think or move without his ever watchful eye and influence over me.  I can never be truely free with his presence in my every affair.  1984 is real and alive - I can feel it.
Man was also made to be a collective living mass.  His interactions define his existance collectively.   When all those interactions are controled, he becomes a slave in every sense and is shackled from his birthright and will and desire - Freedom.
I woke with the clear realization - again - that I am an utter slave.  I live with lots of stuff and in the midst of nature - yet I long to extricate myself from this straight jacket that is our decaying social construct.
But doing so has mostly just removed me from my fellow man.  That was not my intention.
Now every day feels like tax day - something that has so offended my heart that I have never been able to bring myself to look at my signing of my tax forms every year since I first signed an EZ40 in college.
Now every monetary transaction feels like theft or graft or some kind of dirty deal.  Mr. USG is there, watching, and applicable to every transaction I can concieve of - and this is far more than the cost of sales tax.
The ironic thing is, to help me complete the redemption of my interest in this company, I need to hire a lawyer to write a letter that somehow un-restricts my shares.  The company has no interest in this as it is not of benefit to them in the bargain, but I do and must illicit and fund this third party to help extrictated me from the mysterious Mr. USG's interest in our transaction.
It is theft I tell you!  It violates all fundamenals of sound law - but law and truth and right have nothing to do with our world these days.
So I pray.  I pray to God with all my heart!  "Free me Lord from this tyrant!"  "Ease my burden and help me to live in faith, knowing that you are REAL and you are JUST and you are TRUTH and you are LIFE!"
As our entire world now revolves around jumping hoops to live, instead of building wealth, supporting each other, and converting matter and time to things useful for mankind.  We are so conditioned to this state of hoop jumping that most seldom see it.  Dealing with bills, bugs, designed decay and inefficiencies, lies, "security" and basically our sin all day.  It eats up life at its core and sucks joy out of each day.
May we all be free of this one day!
Praise be to our maker who has freed us from this by the death of His son!  May I feel the truth of His love beyond the illusion of this life and may he grant me rest from all my toil, fear, and frustration with a peace that defies all logic.

I smile at the sunrise.

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